I was fighting it. All the changes were coming so quickly then. I hurried around my life constantly as if something needed to be done. There I was in the middle of my lifetime as a woman and artist not sure what the horrible unsettled feeling meant. I would ask myself, what are you waiting for? What is fulfillment? How does anyone realize those things that give joy and satisfaction in life? Then the fear would come, perhaps I am not complete. Perhaps it is a lack of some kind that I am feeling. I began to think long and hard, almost in a panic mode about adopting a child. Deep down inside myself I felt very uncomfortable about it. I don’t know why. Even that made me feel worse, because then I felt terribly guilty about not wanting a child to take care of, to nurture, to give all that I am to. I cried. I worried.
Then. One night after a particularly bad day of concern about the problem I had created for myself. I had a dream. Not a typical dream. It was one that I could see and hear audibly what was being said to me. It was just before I woke up so I remember it very clearly. There was an androgynous being, not male or female standing at a fork in a road with an arm outstretched gesturing, by pointing in a direction away from me, and in a distinct commanding voice I can still hear in my mind to this day, this is what was said to me. “STAY on the Path you are on!”
I awoke from that dream feeling relieved. My concern was gone quickly when I would remember those words. I was not quite sure what path the powerful being was talking about, and I still wonder, but I can tell you this, I never adopted a child. I continue to spend my life as woman and an artist. There must be different paths to fulfillment in life because I am managing to find joy on this one I am on. Another of the paths less traveled.
As I walk this path alone, I see the child everywhere. Innocence and naïvety in all people, young and old. It is what I look for in this life, and I find so amazing and beautiful.